September 01 2009 12:00 AM ET
"And love no more. (End of line)"
--Hybrid utterance, Battlestar Galactica
I am not HIV-positive. I'm a geek. Depending on the specific situation or the media input, I can be a hard-core dork or just a run-of-the-mill, overly intellectual nerd. I watch epic sci-fi operas about the conflict between man and machine that seek to define and question the substance of God and humanity. I read really silly little romantic-horror-fantasy novels with spunky female heroines who have sexual interludes with vampires, werewolves, fairies, and telepaths-with absolutely no literary merit but heavily filled with philosophical concepts of metaethics, aesthetics, and logic. I'm obsessed with quotes: words, sayings, and bits of passing conversation...pieces of wisdom that float through time and space to be captured, written down, and repeated. I find strange little independent films with weird little characters who tell odd little stories that prove the existence of string theory-showing that everything is connected, that we are all one, and that however unique the perspective, the experience is still the same. And yes, I collect comics. They are the ultimate exploration of phraseology, using thematic interpretation, subject continuity, and artistic expression to show the touch of an artist on an object.
"(End of line)"
I am not HIV-positive. I'm a brat. I've been spoiled rotten for as long as I can remember, getting what I want, when I want, in the size and color that I choose. This has absolutely nothing to do with financial attributes or superficial objectifications; this is a fundamental truth concerning how I navigate in the world. If God has a favorite geeky, black, green-eyed guy with red Converse shoes living in a Russian neighborhood in Los Angeles, I'm him! And if God himself is willing to treat me like a rock star, I expect nothing less from the mere mortals who want to stand by my side. I have a classic case of only-child syndrome-unaware of anyone else's perspective and overly convinced of the value of my own. I'm not very good at compromise, compassion is not my best attribute, and I'm not a giver. But other than that, I'm a delight to be around. I've been accused of having great expectations, of being a little too demanding, and being blessed with a charming bit of narcissism. But I make no apologies. I see everything and everyone as beautiful. Including myself. And beautiful people deserve to be treated beautifully, so treat me like the stunning, single, rare red rose blooming in the desert that I am-or get out of my sun. End of story.
"And love no more."
I am not HIV-positive. I don't know who he was talking to, but it wasn't me. He had just been diagnosed like 10 years ago, and now all of a sudden we were the same person. I told him my name, my interests, and my personal character flaws, and he told me about HIV. He talked about pills and doctors and side affects, but all I could think of was this really great quote pulled out of a piece of techno-organic stream of consciousness-and what outfit would look great with the pretty yellow cardigan that my ex got me. His blood-borne conversation bored me. I mean, I haven't been HIV-positive for like three years now.
I'm a geek. I'm a brat. Who knows; I might even be a Cylon.
Saucier is a writer, blogger, and performance artist based in Los Angeles. Find more of his writing online via our website.