Treatment GuideJust DiagnosedSex & DatingAfrican AmericanStigmaAsk the HIV DocPrEP En EspañolNewsVoicesPrint IssueVideoOut 100
CONTACTCAREER OPPORTUNITIESADVERTISE WITH USPRIVACY POLICYPRIVACY PREFERENCESTERMS OF USELEGAL NOTICE
© 2024 Pride Publishing Inc.
All Rights reserved
All Rights reserved
By continuing to use our site, you agree to our Private Policy and Terms of Use.
In some of my previous columns, I've written about more general topics -- such as dealing with one's feelings and how to navigate life in general -- rather than about HIV specifically. I usually write on these more broad topics during times when I am busy living my life and not preoccupied with my positive HIV serostatus. Those columns reflect the common challenges that are essential to being human, not the unique challenges of living with HIV or AIDS. However, at other times I've been very worried about my HIV, seized with fear regarding my health issues, or confused over disclosing my serostatus -- and so I've written about those very HIV-specific topics. These two ends of the HIV spectrum reflect my own process of living with the virus: at times troubled by it, at others only peripherally aware of it or aware of it only in the most basic sense -- like twice a day, when I take my anti-HIV meds. Today, right now, I'm somewhere in the middle. On one hand, I'm considering something that is not unique to living with HIV. But interestingly enough, this very same subject also elicits painful feelings with respect to my experiences with HIV. It is the death of my mother four years ago. Last month, the actual anniversary of her death -- January 4, 2005 -- I purposely avoided writing about her passing even though it was heavy on my mind. As far back as I can remember the act of avoidance has been a staple in my repertoire of defense mechanisms. Last month was no different. While my mother's death was front and center in my mind, dwelling near me ever close as the 2008 holidays approached, I didn't want to revisit those early days of stunning loss in this column. So I wrote about something else. I didn't want to dwell on my feelings. But as the month progressed I found myself more and more preoccupied with how her death shook my fundamental sense of who I am. The person who brought me into the world had passed; it was a loss like no other. The one who had known me the longest was gone. Her passing came nearly three months to the day after I received my positive HIV diagnosis. There are never good times for either event to occur, but that they happened in such close succession seemed especially intense. I use the word 'intense' because the coupling of my diagnosis and my mother's death significantly jolted and confronted me at my core with the simplest truth of what it means to be human -- we all die. Prior to my diagnosis and my mother's death, I had been on a path of self-destruction, presuming life to be one big party. I had presumed that there would always be time later to right things with my mom and improve our relationship. But the party had come to an end, and fixing my relationship with my mom was no longer an option. The realm of make-believe in my head was over; reality was staring me in the face. I could write about how awful that period in my life was in an attempt to garner sympathy, but I won't. Don't get me wrong, it was an enormously painful and confusing time. But the one-two punch of my HIV diagnosis and my mom's death also was a profound spiritual gift that transformed my life. In fact, I truly believe those two events saved my life. Left to my own devices at that time, I would have rather partied. But the sobering reality of 'endings' helped me break my patterns of avoidance and addiction. They were sobering. They woke me up. And a life that is lived wide awake is a far more gratifying and exciting place to be. Fransen is a licensed clinical social worker who is in private therapy practice in Chicago. He welcomes feedback at stillpoint4003@yahoo.com.
From our Sponsors
Most Popular
Why activist Raif Derrazi thinks his HIV diagnosis is a gift
September 17 2024 12:00 PM
How fitness coach Tyriek Taylor reclaims his power from HIV with self-commitment
September 19 2024 12:00 PM
Exclusive: We kiki with Q from 'RuPaul's Drag Race'
June 24 2024 11:37 AM
Out100 Honoree Tony Valenzuela thanks queer and trans communities for support in his HIV journey
September 18 2024 12:00 PM
The freedom of disclosure: David Anzuelo's journey through HIV, art, and advocacy
August 02 2024 12:21 PM
Creator and host Karl Schmid fights HIV stigma with knowledge
September 12 2024 12:03 PM
Activist and philanthropist Bruce Bastian dies at 76
June 26 2024 1:28 PM
In honor of Juneteenth 2024, meet The Normal Anomaly
June 19 2024 1:39 PM
Plus: Featured Video
Latest Stories
Ricky Martin delivers showstopping performance for 2024 World AIDS Day
December 05 2024 12:08 PM
AIDS Memorial Quilt displayed at White House for the first time
December 02 2024 1:21 PM
Climate change is disrupting access to HIV treatment
November 25 2024 11:05 AM
California confirms first case of even more deadly mpox strain
November 18 2024 3:02 PM
Post-election blues? Some advice from mental health experts
November 08 2024 12:36 PM
Check out our 2024 year-end issue!
October 28 2024 2:08 PM
Meet our Health Hero of the Year, Armonté Butler
October 21 2024 12:53 PM
AIDS/LifeCycle is ending after more than 30 years
October 17 2024 12:40 PM
Twice-yearly injectable lenacapavir, an HIV-prevention drug, reduces risk by 96%
October 15 2024 5:03 PM
Kentucky bans conversion therapy for youth as Gov. Andy Beshear signs 'monumental' order
September 18 2024 11:13 AM
Study finds use of puberty blockers safe and reversible, countering anti-trans accusations
September 11 2024 1:11 PM
Latinx health tips / Consejos de salud para latinos (in English & en espanol)
September 10 2024 4:29 PM
The Trevor Project receives $5M grant to support LGBTQ+ youth mental health in rural Midwest (exclusive)
September 03 2024 9:30 AM
Introducing 'Health PLUS Wellness': The Latinx Issue!
August 30 2024 3:06 PM
La ciencia detrás de U=U ha estado liberando a las personas con VIH durante años
August 23 2024 2:48 PM
Tratamiento y prevención del VIH por inyección: Todo lo que necesita saber
August 23 2024 2:41 PM
Sr. Gay World quiere asegurarse de que estés bien
August 23 2024 2:30 PM
Eureka is taking a break from competing on 'Drag Race' following 'CVTW' elimination
August 20 2024 12:21 PM
With a new case in Sweden, what is the new mpox outbreak and should you be concerned?
August 15 2024 4:48 PM