Treatment GuideJust DiagnosedSex & DatingAfrican AmericanStigmaAsk the HIV DocPrEP En EspañolNewsVoicesPrint IssueVideoOut 100
CONTACTCAREER OPPORTUNITIESADVERTISE WITH USPRIVACY POLICYPRIVACY PREFERENCESTERMS OF USELEGAL NOTICE
© 2024 Pride Publishing Inc.
All Rights reserved
All Rights reserved
By continuing to use our site, you agree to our Private Policy and Terms of Use.
Shame is toxic. And it's frequently unnoticed. I find that in many people -- friends, clients, myself -- shame acts as a pervasive force, distorting reality and creating a perception that one is unworthy, dirty, or flawed. And it feels so real that it can be difficult to challenge. To this extent it is similar to depression, whose dark and gloomy feelings don't feel like feelings at all but instead an accurate portrayal of how one's life truly is. Many people don't even notice that they are depressed, as they have always felt that way. It is a steady state; an experience of one's self that has always been there. It can be hard to notice the obvious. The same is true with shame, where the judge and jury is one's self, looking inward, a harsh critic preventing a person from being human. When I was an early adolescent, shame burst onto the scene with growing realization that I was attracted to other boys. It was oppressive, operating like an all-seeing and punishing Santa Claus who saw me when I was sleeping, knew when I was awake, and knew if I'd been bad or good -- and would react with painful disapproval when I acted on or even thought of things that ran contrary to the community where I was raised. I am only now beginning to realize the cost of such shame as I see its impact in the details of my life, like my fear of confrontation or my difficulty in being honest about something that could put me in a 'bad light.' I see it in the guilt I experience during rifts in relationships. I feel it when I make a mistake. Most broadly, I see it when I hide -- in those times when I isolate myself on weekends or pretend to others that I am fine when I am definitely not. Or when I hide from myself. Shame is an issue for many of us who live with HIV. Most often it takes the form of the harsh and harmful language HIVers direct toward themselves: 'I should have known better. It's my own stupid fault. I could kick myself. I deserve this.' That isn't exactly the best self-talk for someone living with a chronic and serious illness. Lately, I have been wondering about the genesis of such shame -- is it something that is brought on by contracting the virus? Is there something inherent about having HIV that brings shame with it? Is the societal stigma surrounding HIV and AIDS so pronounced that such shame is unavoidable? There is some truth in all of those notions. But I think there is something more. I wonder if many of those who contract HIV have a preexisting condition of shame. For myself, I wonder if the shame that has been a constant and unwelcome companion for such a long time fueled my behavior in the past and guides my behavior in the present. So what exactly should a person do with such shame -- to rid oneself of that constant and unwelcome companion? How is it dealt with? Worked through? Conquered? I've realized that forming, building, and maintaining relationships tend to be the primary mode through which my shame is addressed. After all, shame is hatched in relationships -- it seems logical that relationships are needed to reverse it. This requires courage, of course, because there is an ever-present fear of being shamed again. However, I have found that when I find the courage to accept love from others, my shame, while still present, recedes a bit. And then I am better able to embrace who I am. Fransen is a licensed clinical social worker who is in private therapy practice in Chicago. He welcomes feedback at stillpoint4003@yahoo.com.
Want more breaking equality news & trending entertainment stories?
Check out our NEW 24/7 streaming service: the Advocate Channel!
Download the Advocate Channel App for your mobile phone and your favorite streaming device!
From our Sponsors
Most Popular
Before AIDS, gay artist Rex drew hot men on the prowl — then he disappeared
April 11 2024 3:15 PM
Diets that mimic fasting reverse aging: study
March 07 2024 5:28 PM
The Most Amazing HIV Allies & Advocates of 2023
November 03 2023 12:51 PM
PrEP without a prescription now a reality in California
February 06 2024 8:37 PM
This OnlyFans Star Is Trying to Raise $100K to Fight HIV
December 26 2023 3:05 PM
Injectable HIV treatment, prevention: Everything you need to know
March 26 2024 3:28 PM
The naked Black body takes center stage in this HIV campaign
January 03 2024 1:07 PM
8 dating tips for gay men from a gay therapist
March 21 2024 2:50 PM
Mr. Gay World wants to make sure you're OK
January 02 2024 4:56 PM
Plus: Featured Video
Latest Stories
The government failed on mpox. Ritchie Torres's new bill addresses that
April 18 2024 1:21 PM
On Anal Sex Day, crack up with The Bottom's Digest
April 18 2024 10:22 AM
Todrick Hall has long supported the communities he comes from
April 17 2024 12:02 PM
Our May/June issue of Plus is here!
April 17 2024 12:00 PM
Giselle Byrd is taking center stage — and helping others do the same
April 10 2024 2:24 PM
Discover endless fun at The Pride Store: Games & electronics for all ages
April 09 2024 4:25 PM
Mean Girls' Daniel Franzese on playing an HIV+ character
April 09 2024 3:57 PM
HIV-positive Air Force, Navy servicemembers victorious in lawsuit
April 09 2024 3:02 PM
Unlocking a new level of beauty with Dr Botanicals' ethical skincare line
April 08 2024 3:40 PM
Unleash your wild side with The Pride Store’s beginner’s guide to kink
April 08 2024 3:35 PM
Why are mpox cases in the U.S. on the rise again?
April 08 2024 1:30 PM
Happy national foreskin day!
April 04 2024 1:45 PM
Adult entertainment icons Derek Kage & Cody Silver lead fight for free speech
April 03 2024 3:06 PM
LGBTQ+ patients twice as likely to face discrimination: survey
April 02 2024 4:57 PM
Spring into The Pride Store’s top new arrivals for April
April 02 2024 4:39 PM
Nashville PD Must Pay HIV-Positive Man Denied a Job
April 01 2024 6:22 PM
Common has a message on how to foster self-love
March 29 2024 7:33 PM
Listen to Dr. Levine: Take syphilis seriously
March 28 2024 6:40 PM
Breaking boundaries in gender-free fashion with Stuzo Clothing
March 27 2024 2:15 PM