Treatment GuideJust DiagnosedSex & DatingAfrican AmericanStigmaAsk the HIV DocPrEP En EspañolNewsVoicesPrint IssueVideoOut 100
CONTACTCAREER OPPORTUNITIESADVERTISE WITH USPRIVACY POLICYPRIVACY PREFERENCESTERMS OF USELEGAL NOTICE
© 2024 Pride Publishing Inc.
All Rights reserved
All Rights reserved
By continuing to use our site, you agree to our Private Policy and Terms of Use.
Janus, the Roman god of thresholds, is January's namesake. His image bears two faces -- symbolizing transitions -- with one face looking backward and the other, forward. I write about Janus because of the New Year, so frequently the catalyst for new beginnings and resolutions, most of which are abandoned in the first week of the year. Many people err because they root their newly discovered resolutions in only one of Janus's faces: the one looking forward. Essentially good, this perspective holds the possibility of optimism and hope: 'What next?' being the operative question. Without that hope one stays mired in stale patterns of the past, lost in a place of resentment and self-questioning, continuously self-defeating, since one is more in touch with one's failures than one's potential. In other words, only being in touch with Janus's backward-looking face prevents us from recognizing our potential and instead to be doomed by our past. At the same time, being in touch with one's past is crucial in that it holds essential elements instrumental in the process of change -- one's biggest mistakes. A mentor told me years ago the field I've chosen will elicit gratitude for my biggest mistakes. They are modes of empathy, since I cannot in good conscience presume that clients will always learn to make better choices. I certainly haven't been consistent in making better choices. As a good friend has always told me, 'we are all bozos on this bus.' Such an attitude helps to address perfectionism that consumes one's process of change, the incorrect assumption that in order to progress one needs not to stumble along the way. Many people who have HIV live in the past, some judging past behavior and agreeing with those in society who somehow believe that we deserve it. Others hold onto deep resentment if their significant others or sex partners lied to them about their status. Either way it represents clinging to that which one cannot control, which directly opposes the process of change requiring that one has control over some things in the here and now. I know this not because of my education, although certainly my education has told me the same things. I have all too often berated myself for past mistakes, whether with respect to my finances, drugs or alcohol, or relationships. When I'm too identified with them, they become my identity, and change feels impossible. I'm a prisoner of my own self -defeating thoughts. At times this has prevented me from making positive change. It is a truism that history repeats itself if not learned from. It's why we repeat the same tired patterns over and over again, practically the self's inner guide of wisdom instructing us that we have yet to learn crucial lessons from the past. The other wisdom Janus implies is that in order to be authentic we need to embrace the totality of who we are. The past defines us as little as the future does. The tension between the two forms the single greatest determinant of change: realistic goals. Whether your resolution is to lose 50 pounds, go to the gym five days a week, or quit smoking, drinking, or whatever, the fact remains that such goals are attained only when approached daily, realistically. Ultimately, realistic goals are easy ways to treat ourselves more kindly. As we move into the new year, my wish for all of us is that we develop realistic goals that honor where we've come from as well as where we hope to head. Fransen is a licensed clinical social worker who is in private therapy practice in Chicago. He welcomes feedback at stillpoint4003@yahoo.com.
Want more breaking equality news & trending entertainment stories?
Check out our NEW 24/7 streaming service: the Advocate Channel!
Download the Advocate Channel App for your mobile phone and your favorite streaming device!
From our Sponsors
Most Popular
Diets that mimic fasting reverse aging: study
March 07 2024 5:28 PM
The Most Amazing HIV Allies & Advocates of 2023
November 03 2023 12:51 PM
PrEP without a prescription now a reality in California
February 06 2024 8:37 PM
This OnlyFans Star Is Trying to Raise $100K to Fight HIV
December 26 2023 3:05 PM
The naked Black body takes center stage in this HIV campaign
January 03 2024 1:07 PM
Mr. Gay World wants to make sure you're OK
January 02 2024 4:56 PM
The First Person Cured of AIDS Gets His Due
December 19 2023 1:12 AM
8 dating tips for gay men from a gay psychotherapist
March 21 2024 2:50 PM
HIV Advocate, Journalist Josh Kruger Murdered in His Home
October 06 2023 3:19 PM
Plus: Featured Video
Latest Stories
Find your perfect fit with gender-inclusive fashion from The Pride Store
March 26 2024 2:16 PM
Sexual assault survivor Stephen Hart uses theater to heal
March 25 2024 5:52 PM
Prohibition Wellness & revolutionizing self-care for all
March 22 2024 1:19 PM
Unleash your fiery spirit with The Pride Store’s Aries gift guide
March 21 2024 2:08 PM
Crafting diversity and inclusivity in beauty with Fashion Foundry
March 20 2024 5:27 PM
Vibrant locks rain or shine with The Pride Store's top haircare essentials
March 19 2024 2:13 PM
At risk for syphilis or chlamydia? There’s a PEP for that
March 19 2024 12:04 PM
'Drag Race' star Q shares she's living with HIV
March 18 2024 3:08 PM
Empowering women with Nashelle Jewelry this Women's History Month
March 13 2024 3:05 PM
Scarlet fever: exploring our fascination with blood
March 13 2024 1:47 PM
Bloom in your skin with The Pride Store’s skincare essentials
March 12 2024 4:31 PM
Nex Benedict’s tragic death further proves that Oklahoma is not OK
March 12 2024 2:57 PM
Mr. Gay World's Plus cover story: behind the scenes
March 08 2024 4:47 PM
HIV+ man banned from jail work program gets last laugh
March 07 2024 4:14 PM
The Werkroom's artistic rebellion transforms pop culture icons into queer fantasies
March 07 2024 2:23 PM
Get your spring bling on with The Pride Store’s jewelry picks
March 05 2024 4:43 PM
Is this the future of PrEP?
March 01 2024 5:54 PM