
Treatment GuideJust DiagnosedSex & DatingAfrican AmericanStigmaAsk the HIV DocPrEP En EspañolNewsVoicesPrint IssueVideoOut 100
CONTACTCAREER OPPORTUNITIESADVERTISE WITH USPRIVACY POLICYPRIVACY PREFERENCESTERMS OF USELEGAL NOTICE
© 2025 Pride Publishing Inc.
All Rights reserved
All Rights reserved
By continuing to use our site, you agree to our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use.
When I first started to reveal more of myself here--my feelings, insecurities, struggles--I faced a couple of sources of anxiety. The surface one, which I mentioned at the time, had to do with my role as a therapist in a large urban area, worrying about what it would mean to my clients if they read my personal reflections. That anxiety was offset by reminding myself of my primary purpose here--not as a therapist, not as an expert, not as a consultant. Instead, my purpose was to share my inmost struggles as a fellow human being affected by HIV. My role changed from one of clinical distance to one of warm familiarity. This was the easier anxiety to admit because I could hide under the pretense that it was only related to how disclosure compromised my professional self. The deeper anxiety--and the one I wasn't aware of at the time--was the fear of being known. By this, I mean the fear of sharing myself with countless others. My fear that others would see how I struggle. My fear of being exposed as someone who did not have all the answers. My fear of being vulnerable. The dilemma of revealing myself had more to do with the challenges of being honest, first with myself and then with others, than it did with my professional obligations or clinical training. Over the years I have been vulnerable with many people, including my friends, boyfriends, therapist, and others in recovery. And the truth is that it does get easier each time. However, even with these experiences it's easy to forget the relief and healing that come with the truth. Why is it easy to forget this? The cumulative effect of many years of shame paralyzed me and distorted my perception of others, focusing my attention more on moments in which I was rejected than when I was accepted. It appeared under these circumstances that rejection was more likely. I believe that it became safer (and ultimately easier) to inhabit the shadows of isolation than the sunlight of human company. It became safer and easier to be the one who had the answers for others rather than the one who didn't for himself. Regardless of the reasons for how this happened, there was one primary way out: courage, which, as others have said, is doing the right thing in the presence of fear. Part of this has involved simply noticing that voices of acceptance exist, for how can one experience acceptance if it feels impossible? Then I pay more attention to these voices than those of rejection. And then after realizing that acceptance is possible, I take what feels like a huge risk and admit my vulnerability to being human, to hurting, to appearing childish, petty, needy. It involves admitting that I don't have the answers but am willing to inhabit the questions. This process is a series of miracles--for us all. Perhaps the first is that voices of acceptance exist at all. Perhaps another is that we're capable of hearing them. Perhaps another is that we can step out of the shadows of shame and isolation. And most definitely another is that we see we are not alone, that we are humans among humans, and we smile. In the course of writing these articles I've lightened up because in writing my truth to myself and sharing it with others I can no longer pretend it's not there. I can be myself.
From our Sponsors
Most Popular
Lexi Love comes out as HIV+ after Trump deletes federal resources
January 23 2025 11:23 AM
Grindr is reminding us why jockstraps are so sexy and iconic
May 02 2025 5:36 PM
BREAKING NEWS: Trump admin moves to end federal HIV prevention programs
March 18 2025 6:10 PM
Trump's orders prompt CDC to erase HIV resources
January 31 2025 5:29 PM
This long-term HIV survivor says testosterone therapy helped save his life.
December 16 2024 8:00 PM
Celebrating Black History Month with our annual African American issue
February 01 2025 3:28 PM
Discover the power of Wellness in your life
March 26 2025 12:41 PM
Tyler TerMeer vows to continue to fight for health care for all
January 28 2025 3:00 PM
Plus: Featured Video
Latest Stories
Trump admin guts $258 million in funding for HIV vaccine research
June 03 2025 3:47 PM
HRC holds 'die-in' to protest Trump health care cuts
April 28 2025 2:11 PM
Two right-wing Supreme Court justices signal they may uphold access to PrEP and more
April 21 2025 4:10 PM
500,000 Children at Risk: PEPFAR Funding Crisis
April 08 2025 3:51 PM
Broadway's best raise over $1 million for LGBTQ+ and HIV causes
April 03 2025 7:15 PM
The Talk Season 5 premieres this spring with HIV guidance for the newly diagnosed
March 26 2025 1:00 PM
Season 4 of The Switch on resilience & radical self-love returns this spring
March 26 2025 12:20 PM
Jess King is here to help you live your happiest, healthiest life yet
March 24 2025 4:35 PM
Gerald Garth is keeping people of color happy and healthy through trying times
March 11 2025 3:38 PM
Plus nominated for 2025 GLAAD Media Award
January 22 2025 12:42 PM
A camp for HIV-positive kids is for sale. Here's why its founder is celebrating
January 02 2025 12:21 PM
'RuPaul's Drag Race' star Trinity K Bonet quietly comes out trans
December 15 2024 6:27 PM
Ricky Martin delivers showstopping performance for 2024 World AIDS Day
December 05 2024 12:08 PM
AIDS Memorial Quilt displayed at White House for the first time
December 02 2024 1:21 PM
Decades of progress, uniting to fight HIV/AIDS
December 01 2024 12:30 PM
Hollywood must do better on HIV representation
December 01 2024 9:00 AM
Climate change is disrupting access to HIV treatment
November 25 2024 11:05 AM
California confirms first case of even more deadly mpox strain
November 18 2024 3:02 PM