#AskTyler: I Want a Relationship, But I'm No Longer That Interested in Sex

“How do you date when your interest in sex is minimal but your desire for companionship is strong?" — Jim from Dallas

It doesn’t matter what age you are or station in life you may occupy, the need and desire for companionship will always be a guiding force in your life.

For some, finding a partner, albeit temporary, can almost solely rely on the basis of physical and chemical attraction. These relationships can run hot with passion, lust and even jealousy before it burns out altogether, often burning you in the process as well. You thought it was love, turns out it wasn’t, and you are left to start all over again.

In your mature age, this blinding drive you’re the physical can dissipate, leaving you with more clarity to who you are and what you want in a companion. But it can also leave you with a new kind of obstacle to overcome in the process.

But to your question, Jim: How do you date when your interest in sex is minimal but your desire for companionship is strong?

I can see how this can be quite the perplexing predicament. We are hardwired to equate a strong sexual currant with romantic relationships, physical relationships.

I posed this same question to my boyfriend over dinner and he said, “It sounds like he is just talking about a friend.”

“But he isn’t,” I implored, and I reached out and grabbed his hand. “I do not hold my friends' hands like this. I don’t build a life and share a life with my friends. He is looking for someone to do that with.”

If you think about it, sex only occupies a nominal slice of the relationship pie, but some may say that without it, the pie doesn’t taste the same. However, as I understand the question, it sounds as if sex isn’t completely removed from the equation, just greatly reduced. But you may be nervous that what you are interested in may not be enough for someone to want to, well, “eat your pie.”

The answer is, there are plenty of people who will. But you need to be honest and up front about what a relationship with you, be it physical or otherwise, will look like for your prospective partner. This may take some thinking on your part, and you may want to challenge yourself to see just what you are willing to give to the relationship to make your partner happy, both physically and mentally.

It is not that sex is not longer a factor, it is just less of one. If that is where you are in life, say it. There is often nothing more attractive than a man who knows who he is and what he wants, and being open about your preferences is the best way to find out how to meet his needs and yours. 

This problem is no different from any other fear a person has when going into a new relationship. It is insecurity, plain and simple. Only, in your younger years, you were insecure about what you had to offer as a person, but the physical was easy, almost automatic. Now, you are secure with who you are and what you have to offer, but insecure about what happens when you stop talking.

Naturally, there are plenty of medical options to improve your sex drive. But, as I see it, this problem has little to do with the state of your libido and more to do with the state of your mind. I understand that you are comfortable with a less-sexed life. Someone else will be, too. Just be honest and communicate what you are looking for and be clear about what you aren’t.

Above all else, always make sure you enter a new relationship with an open mind and a will to grow together. You may just be surprised what comes from it.