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Seven Ways to Overcome Self-Defeating Thinking When You're Poz

Seven Ways to Overcome Self-Defeating Thinking When You're Poz


Life has a way of throwing a few punches in your direction. And so does living with HIV.

You may be newly diagnosed and have just found out what your HIV status is going to mean for your daily life. Or, you may have been living with HIV for awhile and are being faced with new challenges. Or maybe you have those days when you’re tired of the grind. It’s normal to experience those times when it all just feels so overwhelming.

Feelings go hand-in-hand with thoughts. And your thoughts can encourage you to have an optimistic attitude or can “encourage” more negativity. How do you know when that’s happening? For a start, take a look at what you’re telling yourself. “I can’t.” “I won’t.” “I’ll never.” Any of these familiar? Defeat begins in your own mind.

So what do you about that all that self-defeating thinking when it sneaks in? Here’s what:

Adjust your attitude. Ask yourself: Do the challenges and responsibilities of life feel like they are just as bad as they possibly can be? Insurmountable? That’s call awfulizing. And the more you make things awful in your mind, the more they’ll seem awful in reality. And if things are that awful, how can you expect to be successful? That’s right, awfulizing opens the door to “I can’t” and his doom and gloom brothers.

Stand up to your thoughts.Your thoughts are just thoughts. They aren’t you. Your thoughts don’t have to be reality unless you allow them to be. So when they creep in, you might start by trying to set limits. Indulge those self-defeating thoughts for a specific period of time, like 10 minutes. Time yourself. And when the time is up, it’s up. Thank them for their input and send them on their way. You can let your thoughts disempower you, or you can choose to disempower your thoughts.

Take it a step at a time. Small steps. Expecting to make big changes overnight is a setup for a letdown. So break your goals down into small pieces. What can you commit to today? What about tomorrow? Tackle changes one by one. Set priorities.

Review the evidence. If there’s one thing a negative thought can’t stand up to it’s the truth.  And each step you take in a positive direction,no matter how small, is evidence of success. Keep track of your progress by keeping a list of your successes each day. Pull your list out and review it when you are having a bad day. Evidence, that’s what’s real.

Add a new word: Yet! Talk back to those self-defeating thoughts with one small but powerful word:Yet! Sure, you’re not where you need or want to be in your self-care at this moment.  But that doesn’t you mean you’re stuck. How about: Not there. Yet. The word “yet” opens up the door to all kinds of possibilities, including adding more muscle to your emotional coping skills and fine-tuning your self-care and compliance routine.

Get support.The right kind. Identify the people in your life who are willing and able to give you encouragement. Ask for their support. And keep in touch with them. Beware of people who echo that voice of self-defeat you are trying to shut up. This may require asking for help from professionals who can advise you on how to live with your chronic condition. And friends and family members who can offer encouragement. Enlist your support network to “yet” along with you.

Take life one step at a time. Not where you want to be in coping with your HIV status? Well, let’s say not there yet, but on the way. 

30 Years of Out100Out / Advocate Magazine - Jonathan Groff and Wayne Brady

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Gary McClain