#AskTyler: Why Am I so Jaded?

Lucas from California writes, "I don't know whether I'm just more choosy or just jaded, but I don't think I'll ever find anyone for me."

After a few rounds on fruitless relationships, it's easy to get down on yourself and think that you might never find the right match for you. It doesn't matter whether you are new to the dating game or a seasoned veteran of heartbreak, rejection sucks and the let down of something promising seems to never gets easier. But there is a huge difference between becoming apprehensively selected when meeting new people and assuming there is no new people to meet. 

After dating people who are wildly inappropriate matches for you and your personality type, it isn't just ok to become more apprehensive about dating someone new; it's a survival skill. But if you find yourself thinking that you are just not cut out for a healthy romantic relationship, you are your own worst enemy on the battleground of love.

When selecting a potential plus-one, it’s sometimes hard to lick your wounds and try again. However, try to think of each and every scar is a reminder of exactly what you don't want in your life. If you are worried about being jaded, chances are you have already dated a range of personalities and backgrounds that don't work. Think of these exes as a blueprint for exactly where not to look for love again. If you still don't know what you want, start by pinpointing exactly what you don't want and go from there.
To be jaded means to believe that love is impossible and you couldn’t find a healthy relationship if you tried. And although you may not want to admit it, it might also mean that you don’t consider yourself worthy of love. It is a hopeless space, a negative space, and its one that you don’t deserve to be in no matter how horrific your dating history may be.

The smartest decision to make when dating is to decide that you will not get invested in anything right away. This doesn’t mean just the first few dates, or maybe even a few months into the courtship. Sure, have your fun and remain cautiously hopeful, but all the while remaining steadfast in the reality that this might not work out and that is totally ok.

That is the easy part. The hard part is still allowing yourself to let your guard down a little and actually give this guy a chance. That means not dismissing him over superficial deal breakers or looking for easy outs to avoid getting hurt. It might sound impossible to open up to someone new while also not allowing yourself to get too invested. However, becoming vulnerable isn’t about him at all, but about you allowing yourself to be open for love regardless of he works out or not.

It is also ok to allow yourself to be disappointed, even a little depressed, when something doesn’t work out. When you stop feeling any pain at the loss of a potential love, that is the true sign that you are jaded.

Love is painful. It is an excruciating act of openness and endless heartbreaking possibilities. To love means to have something to lose, and it might seem easier to avoid all together. But life, with all of its fancy trinkets and expensive wares, is worth absolutely nothing without love and its the only thing worth chasing after.

Ain’t that a bitch.

Nationally renown HIV activist Tyler Curry is  a regular contributor to Plus. Follow him on Twitter.