Why Undetectable HIV-Positive People Are Better in Bed

Contrary to what anyone believes, poz people don’t stop having sex after receiving their status. Being HIV-positive doesn’t mean we’re segregated into a corner to never experience intimacy again — quite the contrary actually. In today’s world, being undetectable means we will not transmit the virus to our sexual partners, which opens up new possibilities to experimentation. 

We don’t mean to be biased (okay maybe a little), but undetectable poz men and women tend to be the most emotionally supportive and attentive lovers. It shouldn’t come as any surprise, seeing as we’ve experienced a diagnosis and took control of our health and life. As a whole, we've come out of this trial by fire better people. 

Being HIV-positive forces us to reexamine our place in the world. Part of that journey has forced us to recognize our own strengths and character;  as well as the love surrounding us, the fortitude of our support system, and the millions of others sharing this experience. As a result, our sex lives become grounded and spiritually fulfilling. And that’s just the beginning. Here’s why:

We are concerned about your wellbeing.

We know what it’s like to have stigma attached to our name, which is why we tend to be a bit more conscious toward the wellbeing of others, especially our sexual partners.  We know first hand that when we're depressed, anxious, or not feeling well, sex isn't going to be as fulfilling. So we'll be the first to check in on you, make sure you're feeling up to everything too. We want you to feel safe because when you feel safe, you’re able to relax. Afterall, sex is better when you're relaxed.

We can be trusted.

Don’t worry about what other people might say. Hear it from the horse’s mouth. The fact that we've been upfront about our status — in the face of pervasive stigma — says a lot about how truthful we’re going to be in the future. When we say we’re undetectable, we’re not trying to convince you to have condomless sex (we recognize there are still STIs out there to avoid), we just want you to know that undetectable poz people cannot transmit HIV to a person who’s negative. Study after study after study has proven that. We can be trusted, HIV stigma can’t.

We’re excellent communicators.

There’s nothing that’s not on the table. Talk to us and we’ll listen. If you want to ask us questions about our status, don’t hesitate. Trust us we’ve rehearsed it time and time again. At this point we should have it embroidered on a f*cking pillow. Our request is that you only ask it once. After all, what is the point of asking the same HIV questions all night?

Sex is about communicating — verbally and nonverbally. Physically, sex is an intuitive language that, when done right, sparks chemistry and emotional stimuli. To communicate well means to be selfless. It’s not all about us, nor should it be all about you. Isn't that what sex is too?

We won’t hold back.

Sex is one of humanity’s best gifts. Holding back seems to be a response to shame, fear, or insecurity. Shame is a disgusting place to live — no one wants to revisit it. Been there, done that. Which makes us far less likely to shame you for anything you do — in or out of bed. Nobody has time for that, especially if we’re going to be so open and vulnerable in our communication with each other. Once the trust is set, the limits expand.

We don’t judge you.

When anyone feels judged during sex, they immediately close themselves off. They give a small part of themselves, which obviously limits the experience. We know what it’s like to be judged so it's the last thing we'd do (unless you judge us, in which case we'll judge you for judging us).

Feeling judged is like being imprisoned in your mind. It starts with a look or a side comment, then morphs into a toxic idea we assume is there. Before we know it, our bodies become stiff and fragile rather than open and inviting. That puts a damper on everything.

We have less inhibition.

We know the truth: it’s nearly impossible for us to transmit the virus. We probably have the lowest viral loads of anyone else in a room. We're on top of our health, and we've to do so we've had to get used to regularly dropping our shorts. If you don't think regular medical check ups makes you face your hang ups about your body, you clearly aren't seeing the doctor that often. We've gotten past the worry and panic so many of us face when we're first diagnosed. We want to share the freedom of doing so with you, but we know you won’t get there overnight. It took us a while to accept the fact that being positive just means we've been unlucky biologically — we're not dirty, slutty, gross, evil or deserving of the virus. We are simply unlucky. We're accepting the hand we've been dealt and we're less inhibited because of it. This makes intimacy more flexible.

We’re more likely to be open to experimentation.

Everyone has their limits, but undetectable poz people have the capability to stretch them every once in a while, not just around sex, but with life in general. Being HIV-positive has a surprise effect on how we build new experiences. The fear of what “might happen” disappears because of the gratitude and appreciation we’ve built for ourselves along the way. We're reinvested with life, and we're ready to experience new things. Undetectable poz people seek ownership. We want to own our lives and the experiences we have. We enjoy pushing our limits to see where they go. Wouldn't you like to go along for the ride?